


Brooklyn Baby

by kristhaswaggerdaddy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, New York
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 02:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6405190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristhaswaggerdaddy/pseuds/kristhaswaggerdaddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan has dreams, and they're all bigger than loving Sehun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brooklyn Baby

** Is this happiness? **

 

 

 

Sehun shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jacket, bracing the cold autumn wind blowing over Brooklyn. The summer heat finally broke yesterday, making way for what the newscasters said would be the coldest winter yet.

 

He wasn’t looking forward to it all that much; winter had never been his favourite season.

 

Head bowed, Sehun trudged down the five steps out his apartment building, crunching a dry leaf with his foot on the sidewalk as he began to walk briskly. Sunset Park Library was only a few blocks away from where he lived, but it was going to be a drag to walk in this sort of weather for the next few months.

 

Unbidden memories of last winter surfaced. He remembered walking on this very same sidewalk hand in hand with someone he’d been trying to forget. Walking with feelings in his heart that he wished would just go away now. Walking with a joy that he didn’t feel anymore.  

 

This winter was going to be painful; he just knew it.  

 

Sehun kicked irritably at an empty water bottle in his way. He’d been trying to push down all those memories, and he hated that all it took was a change in weather to undo all of his efforts thus far. He couldn’t believe how time could pass him by, could pass over the entire neighbourhood and yet, things remained very much the same. His favourite diner was still serving the best breakfast-all-day menu, and he was still not over Luhan.

 

He’d become very careful of thinking about Luhan. He tried not to think about him too much, just in case it became a habit. And he didn’t want it to be a habit because thinking about Luhan only brought pain, hurt and love. Pain because he never liked it when he was away from Luhan, hurt because he didn’t expect Luhan to want to be apart from Sehun and love, just because he still loved him.

 

Sehun supposed that he should’ve seen the breakup coming. Luhan had always been ambitious (he came from Manhattan after all), and he had much bigger dreams than just living in a small apartment with Sehun. Sehun had thought that if he had love then everything else would just fall perfectly into place.

 

But life wasn’t like that, and though they were going through a rough patch, the one thing Sehun never thought Luhan would do was say goodbye. He moved out of their small apartment on a cold, winter Saturday and effectively, out of Sehun’s life.

 

He was broken out of his dreary thoughts when he noticed the library was already open. Sehun figured that Jongin was probably early today and had already beat him to opening up first and took off his beanie, pushing the door open and stepping inside.

 

It was several degrees warmer in the library, to his relief. He headed straight to the counter on his left, already spotting Jongin sorting out the books.

 

“Hey,” Sehun called. Jongin waved at his direction without looking up, placing three books onto the trolley beside him. For a moment, Sehun wondered why Jongin was being so diligent at sorting out the books. His fellow colleague, a part time college student, was usually tired in the morning, too weary from the night before to function properly till midday at least. A glance at the calendar gave him an idea.

 

“Today’s Wednesday, huh?” Sehun asked. Jongin had his head down, but Sehun could tell he was trying to hold back a smile.

 

“Yeah, it is.”

 

Sehun smirked. There was a boy with large eyes and a small stature who always came in every Wednesday without fail. Sometimes he came at ten, waiting on the porch patiently, or later in the afternoon at around one. He would browse through the non-fiction and history sections for hours on end, reading in a corner. Jongin was, for some inexplicable reason, mesmerized with him, and Sehun couldn’t help but snicker at his friend.

 

“You do realize that by sorting out the books properly, he’ll never come up to you and ask if we still have whatever book he might want?” Sehun asked. Jongin scowled at him.

 

“But it’s convenient for him. Besides, what can I really say besides, ‘Oh, let me check that title on the system for you’?”

 

“Just tell him you think he’s cute,” Sehun said simply. That was more or less what he did when he first met Luhan anyway. Being honest was much easier than beating around the bush like some bashful, teenage girl.

 

“Way to look like a total creep,” Jongin said to him, rolling his eyes. Sehun just shrugged. He’d seen the boy glancing over at the counter sometimes, when Sehun and Jongin were laughing a little too loudly. He’d have this wistful look in his eyes, one that Sehun recognized because it was the same look he’d get whenever a couple came into the library (not that there were many in the first place). Still, it was well worth a try.

 

Sehun clocked in officially and began to help Jongin with the books. There was no one in yet, and it took a moment for Sehun to realize that it was only five minutes to ten. There were already quite a few books on the trolley, and he eyed Jongin suspiciously.

 

“What time did you come in?” he asked curiously.

 

Jongin looked up. “Hm? At like, nine thirty, I think,” then went back to looking at the codes on the spine of the books.

 

“Nine thirty?” Sehun echoed. Jongin must’ve left the house extra early for the Wednesday boy; there were days when he had to call Jongin up to see if he had woken up yet. Jongin probably liked the boy a little more than he let on with Sehun.

 

Jongin had the nerve to look sheepish. “I-I had like, an early night, so…”

 

Sehun laughed. “Sure,” he acceded. As if Jongin would ever pass up a chance to sleep in a little longer. He was happy for his friend nonetheless; the situation was still hopeful for him after all.

 

An hour passed. Sehun finished sorting out the books and began to push the trolley around the library, placing books back into the shelves. It was a meticulous job but pleasant to pass time and earn enough money to keep a roof over his head, even though God knew that Sehun wanted nothing more to escape his apartment where the walls practically oozed memories off of themselves. He would rather face an endless amount of books and words and titles than sit his room and think about better times.

 

It wasn’t long before Jongin’s Wednesday boy came in. He knew from the way Jongin said hi a little too loudly from the counter and there was a mumbled hello in reply. Sehun was hidden between two shelves and didn’t need to see to know that Jongin was probably blushing really hard.

 

When he emerged from the fiction shelves, Sehun spotted the Wednesday boy sitting in his usual corner, reading a book on Tutankhamun. Jongin was busying himself at the counter, arranging things around nervously. Sehun shook his head at him; the effects of young love.  

 

 _Happy times,_ Sehun thought, feeling a little jealous. Everyone seemed to be in a much better state than him, even though they probably didn’t know it. Sehun had already lost his love, while Jongin was just starting to find his.

 

*

 

In the evening, Sehun soon found himself in his dreaded apartment once more.

 

The mottled green wallpaper did nothing to cheer him up as he shrugged off his jacket and beanie, dropping the keys into a small coconut shell bowl. It really only served to remind him that _he_ was not the one who picked out such an awful wallpaper to decorate the apartment that once sheltered two instead of one.

 

And he didn’t really mind the wallpaper in the first place, was just a little upset that the person who picked it out in the first place wasn’t around to admire it with him. It was as if Luhan had given him a birthday present that he didn’t quite want and couldn’t give away.

 

Sehun considered his options for dinner as he went to open the fridge; pizza, Chinese takeout, or a mouldy block of blue cheese (it was seriously mouldy, not just gross and blue) that had been sitting in his fridge since forever. He wasn’t craving any of the options, but Chinese takeout was cheaper, and not to mention safer for his health, so he decided to go with that. It had been a while since he had Chinese food anyway.

 

He sprawled over the queen sized bed by the small kitchen area, digging out his phone from his pocket. From his angle on the bed, he could see the fancy French cuisine restaurant clearly. It was a full house, and there was a couple sitting outside the restaurant, enjoying their meal in the cool evening air. They looked… happy, laughing and smiling.

 

Sehun dialled a familiar number for his Chinese takeout, one that he’d been ordering from since he moved to New York from Placid Lake.

 

He continued to observe the couple, wondering if he’d ever move on from Luhan or if he would ever find a replacement. Sehun hadn’t been looking for one, but could it be time? Almost a year had passed, and there was obviously no word from Luhan...

 

Sehun heard the dial tone cut off abruptly, and a bored Chinese man answered. He placed an order for mushu pork and dumplings with an extra serving of spring rolls almost on auto pilot.

 

“Alright, so where do we have to deliver your order?” the man on the other line asked.

 

“Um, Sunset Park…” Sehun rattled off with his address. That was when the man said in a voice filled with disbelief, “Sehun?”

 

“What?” Sehun blurted, panicking for a moment. Was it Luhan on the other line? It wouldn’t be a surprise, since he was Chinese and this was Chinese takeout…

 

“Hey, Sehun! It’s Yixing here,” the other man said cheerfully, and Sehun felt his heart sink even though he knew there was no reason to have his hopes up. _At least it’s Yixing_ , he told himself. Saved him from an awkward phone call anyway.

 

“R-right. Yixing. Shit, it’s been a while,” Sehun mumbled, scrambling to get himself together. Yixing was still on speaking terms with Luhan the last time they spoke which must’ve been months ago. Sehun had honestly never thought that he’d cross paths with Yixing again after he and Luhan broke up; they were living different lives in different parts of New York after all. Furthermore, he had always been more of Luhan’s friend than Sehun’s.

 

“It is! I couldn’t tell it was you at first, y’know, but then I realized the order is a lot like what Luhan would get and you guys used to live at Sunset Park together—” Yixing suddenly cut himself off.

 

Sehun’s mouth crumpled into a flat line, turning away from the couple outside his window. Suddenly he felt like he was intruding on them even though there was no way they could’ve seen him from his window. 

 

 _Well_ , Sehun thought, _isn’t this just lovely?_ “S-so…” Yixing continued.

 

Sehun could hear the embarrassment in his voice and tried to change the subject, “Well, I still live at Sunset Park as usual. And you?” he asked. He briefly wondered if Yixing was actually even allowed to talk on the phone for this long with a customer.

 

“Oh, yeah, I’m still in Manhattan with Lu— But how are you, Sehun? I don’t think I’ve heard from you since like…” Yixing trailed off, probably struggling to remember. But Sehun didn’t even need to try to guess that the last time they came in contact with one another was probably in the presence of Luhan, the seemingly forbidden name to mention in this terribly awkward conversation.

 

“Been working at the library. Same old, really,” Sehun shrugged. Yixing made a noise of understanding.

 

“You know, this is probably— Ugh, it’s giving me the shivers just from thinking about it, but like… Sehun, I know you broke up with. With Luhan,” Yixing started, and Sehun thought _oh God, not this shit_ because he didn’t want to be pitied and cajoled by someone who didn’t know what happened between them.

 

“…and it put me in a difficult position because I try not to let friends or breakups get in the way of my friendships but um, yeah, sorry if I never called earlier or tried to maintain some semblance of… of you know. Like, friendship,” Yixing finished lamely.

 

Sehun raised an eyebrow. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all. “Oh. Um, hey, no problem, man. It’s nothing at all. I get it, Yixing, you don’t have to apologize.”

 

“Right. Great… Oh thank God, Sehun, I was just— I didn’t want it to be awkward—” and Yixing began to go on and on about things that Sehun would rather not relive over the phone. Thinking about Luhan hurt him enough, he didn’t need Yixing to drop his name all over the conversation like it was glittery sprinkles on a cupcake at all. No, in fact, it hurt like a bitch to have someone say his name so easily when it took practically all of Sehun’s human strength not to break every time he tried to say Luhan’s name.

 

“Look, um, Yixing?” Sehun cut him off after a minute or so of trying not to listen to Yixing ramble on.

 

“Yeah?” he quipped.

 

“I’m actually really tired right now from a long shift at the library,” Sehun began uncertainly, but Yixing already got the hint.

 

“Shit, yes, I’ll let you get back to your life. Um, mushu pork, dumplings and spring rolls right? I got it, Sehun. It’s been really great talking to you—”

 

“Yeah, me too,” Sehun said in a monotone. He couldn’t find it in himself to try harder.

 

They exchanged goodbyes and soon hung up. Sehun lay down on his bed, flinging his phone aside. God, it wasn’t even winter yet and Sehun was feeling like shit already.

 

He really didn’t want to think about the year before, when he thought everything was going great and he had everything he needed in the world with him. He really didn’t want to remember how it felt to love and be loved, how it felt when Luhan walked out of his life and never came back. It was too much then, and too much now for Sehun to handle.

 

 But even as he felt pain gripping his chest in a tight fist, the memories flooded him even if he didn’t want to recall them.

 

Sehun had met Luhan in college one warm summer afternoon, when his hair had all colours of the rainbow in it (a dare from Baekhyun). He had been watching Luhan for a few minutes already, and was content to spend his time admiring the prettiest boy he’d ever seen from a short distance instead of getting to class. He’d heard about a Chinese national transferring over to New York University, and could already tell this was him from the way he looked and held himself up.  

 

Luhan had an air of humble independence about him without the arrogance and stand-offish attitude that sometimes came with gaining independence at a young age. However, Luhan soon gave up trying to find the right class and went right up to Sehun without so much as breaking into a sweat from talking to a stranger.

 

“Hey, sorry to bother but do you know where the choir club meets up?” Luhan had asked Sehun offhandedly.

 

“Yeah,” Sehun had replied him dumbly. Luhan had waited for Sehun to continue, but he was distracted by Luhan’s practically flawless skin. _He’s beautiful_ , Sehun remembered thinking, almost out of awe.

 

“So where is it?” Luhan laughed after Sehun took too long to reply. He startled, and blurted, “I’ll show you if you’ll let me take you out for coffee.”

 

Then it was Luhan’s turn to look surprised. Sehun could tell that had completely blindsided him, though truth be told the words came out of him before he even knew what was happening. Luhan smiled, eyes crinkling gently.

 

“Why not?” he’d replied.

One date with Luhan led to another, with Sehun eager to know more about Luhan each time. Sehun brought him to every place in New York he could afford to visit, from the museums to ice skating rinks and rock-and-roll pubs.

 

He wanted to know everything, from why Luhan was studying performing arts in New York to why he loved deep fried spring rolls so much. He wanted to know how Luhan warmed up before singing, how he held his chopsticks a certain way (“it’s the proper way to hold chopsticks like this, actually”), how he fell asleep whenever a sitcom came on TV. He wanted to know the right way to kiss Luhan so he’d sigh like Sehun was the only person who could make him sigh that way, wanted to know how he received a burn scar on his left wrist. Sehun learned everything he could about Luhan better than he ever learned any subject in his life, soaking up all of him and keeping everything close to his heart.  He loved the fire in Luhan, loved the shine in his eyes that never snuffed out.

 

And Luhan seemed to be no better than him, constantly teasing him in the hallways during their college days and checking up on him occasionally late at night to make sure he was studying instead of downing beers with Jongdae and Chanyeol.

 

Sehun didn’t know who he was going to be, but he knew he was in love after three months and vowed to spend the rest of his life with Luhan. For better or for worst, he’d promised himself.

 

Just as they got into the swing of things, everything switched up and changed speeds when they graduated. By then, they’d been together for a little over two years and were already building castles in the sky, thinking of ways to spend money that they didn’t have yet. They found the apartment in Sunset Park with a good rent rate, and were going to live there till Luhan found his big break. After that, they’d move to Tribeca and have their happily ever after right there among the rich and famous, ‘swimming in cash’ as Luhan put it.

 

The one thing Sehun never really understood about Luhan was his obsession over the American Dream. He believed firmly in the saying, ‘if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere,’ and insisted that he would live and breathe New York till his very last breath.

 

“There’s something about this place, Sehun,” Luhan had once whispered as they sat on a bench in Central Park at midnight, gazing up at aeroplane lights, skylines and stars in the night sky. “Something about the way anything is possible here, even if it seems impossible. You don’t just get that feeling in any city… It’s just _magic_ here.”

 

And though Sehun didn’t quite see New York that way, he did understand that to Luhan, New York was home away from home. But all that really mattered to him was that he could be by Luhan’s side, no matter where they were.

 

As said before, Sehun should’ve seen it coming. Luhan’s ambition and big dreams meant places and people that Sehun had never even heard of. He started auditioning everywhere, for plays, modelling jobs, extras, lead roles in musicals… Luhan wanted it all, would take any chance to make it big in New York. And although Sehun admired Luhan’s tenacity and drive, it soon became clear that he was second to Luhan’s dreams.

 

Luhan started to stay out more often, claiming that he needed to be in Manhattan or New York for hours or days at a time to rehearse or wait till it was audition time. He brought home friends sometimes; Minseok, Yixing, Jongdae, all of whom he’d met outside of Brooklyn. Sehun gave him the space Luhan seemed to need, but it wasn’t long before he felt neglected and lonely. After all, weren’t they supposed to be together through everything?

 

Wasn’t Luhan supposed to be the star, and Sehun Luhan’s shadow? He didn’t mind that at all, except Luhan didn’t seem to want a shadow; he just wanted fame and everything else that came after it. Needless to say, Sehun was hurt by Luhan’s actions.

 

Luhan came home one night at four a.m., stumbling through the front door and tripping over things. He had ignored all Sehun’s calls and messages throughout the day, leaving Sehun to worry anxiously about whether or not Luhan needed help to make it home through the harsh winter. He’d stood up then, taken a look at Luhan and said, “You’re drunk.”

 

Luhan had giggled, kicking off his boots. “I am,” he sung, nearly tripping when he tried to take a step forward.

 

“Why haven’t you called all day, Lu? You left first thing in the morning and never told me anything about it, and now you come home drunk at this ungodly hour—”

 

“Quit worrying, I was just trying to audition for Romeo and Juliet, alright? If you had listened to me the past few days then you would’ve known that I’d be all day with Yixing and Minseok in the city, and you needn’t have worried about me at all,” Luhan had replied rather snappily.

 

Sehun had bitten down on his lip then, resisting the urge to make a snarky comment. Instead, he just said, “Let’s just go to sleep.”

 

“No, let’s not go to sleep. I know that look on your face, Sehun, what is it?” Luhan said hotly, his voice rising in volume, “You think I don’t know that look, Sehun? Everyone’s been giving me that condescending, _pitying_ look the past three years and it’s the last thing I’d ever expect from _you_ —”

 

“I’m not trying to condescend, Luhan,” Sehun argued, but Luhan was drunk and obviously angry about something else other than him because he went on, “Don’t fucking lie to me, Sehun,” he snarled, “You think I haven’t noticed anything the past few months? How you’re always sighing when I tell you about a new play or performance coming up, or how you never seem to congratulate me if I did well at an audition—”

 

“Fine, I _have_ been a little tired of you chasing papers around New York,” Sehun finally broke. “But I don’t even care if you act in ten plays at once, Luhan, I know you’d do well. But you constantly leave me in Brooklyn all the time and you never tell me about where you go anymore…”

 

Luhan screamed, face red, “You’re the one who wanted to live in Brooklyn!”

 

“You’re the one who said it could build character,” Sehun chided back.

 

Three thumps from the wall behind Luhan signalled that the neighbours could hear them and they had better tone things down before there would be complaints of too much noise from their apartment. But things were just starting to go downhill.  

 

“I only said it because you’re always so intimidated of the idea of living in the city. It’s like you’re scared that I’ll be living large and you can’t keep up, so you want to keep me here in this shit hole with you, wallowing in _your_ uncertainty and lack of ambition till we finally become hobos and just die.” Luhan added an accusing finger at the end of his sentence, and Sehun felt his heart breaking into pieces.

 

“I thought it didn’t matter to you,” Sehun said softly, “you always said I’d find my way one day.”

 

Luhan shrugged, as if Sehun was stupid to believe that, “Well. I don’t believe it anymore.

 

“I mean, c’mon, Sehun, you’ve been working in that dank library for a year. Who _does_ that?” he asked in disgust. And it was on the tip of Sehun’s tongue to say that someone did it when they tried to cover for the expenses of living in Brooklyn while their partner ran around town trying to make his dreams come true. But he didn’t, because clearly Luhan wouldn’t get it at that moment.

 

Sehun didn’t say anything after that. Luhan turned even redder at his spot by the front door, probably surprised and pissed that Sehun wasn’t fighting back. He then headed to their walk in closet (Luhan’s favourite part of the house) and fumbled around for what seemed like years in there.

 

Sehun just went into their bedroom, got into bed and listened quietly. “I’m not going to stay in this apartment any longer,” Luhan had shouted, “you are unsupportive, you don’t love me the way you used to, and you don’t ever listen to me anymore. I’ve fucking had it.”

 

That was when it hit Sehun that this was the first time one of them was actually walking out after a fight, and he remembered feeling panic rise in his chest at the thought of Luhan leaving and never coming back. _But he’s drunk_ , Sehun figured, _he_ will _come back_. There was no way Luhan was going to leave things like this.

 

Luhan slammed out of the front door five minutes later, and it would the last time Sehun ever saw him in person.

 

In the morning, Sehun woke from a restless sleep, half expecting Luhan to be on the couch. Instead, the apartment was cold and empty, and when he went to the closet, all of Luhan’s things were gone. He didn’t even so much as leave his floss behind.

 

Sehun tried to call Luhan, once, twice, thrice, then ten times, before he lost count and filled up Luhan’s voice mailbox. Then he called Yixing who didn’t pick up before moving onto Minseok, who picked up after only two rings and said, “I know you’re worried about Luhan,” before Sehun could fit in a hello.

 

He had inhaled sharply at that. “Is he with you?” Sehun asked, immediately concerned. He just needed to hear from him and make sure he was okay, that he survived the night—

 

“I’m going to see him over at— at his hotel. He um,” Minseok hesitated, “he told me that he doesn’t want to talk to you for a while.”

 

“Oh.” Ice crept over Sehun’s chest.

 

 _Luhan doesn’t want to talk to me_. Made absolute, perfect sense.

 

He hung up on Minseok without saying goodbye, and stared at his half empty closet for a full hour. He couldn’t think of it as half-full, because Luhan had been his optimism and the only reason why he had a walk in closet anyway. Now that he was gone, Sehun felt like someone had just turned out the lights, plunging him into darkness. Still felt that way, even now, as he curled up on the bed and tried not to touch Luhan’s side of the bed while he waited for his Chinese takeout.

 

He couldn’t fix himself, not when Luhan had taken all the best parts of him out the door. 

 

*

 

When Sehun reached Sunset Park Library, he was greeted by the sight of Jongin and Wednesday boy— Kyungsoo, Sehun reminded himself— chatting over the counter excitedly, not bothering to keep their voices low.

 

Sehun resisted the urge to point out that even though they were apparently an item now ever since Jongin finally grew a pair and asked him out last Wednesday and had been going out dates every day since then, it did not mean that this library stood for flirting and loud conversations about what Rihanna wore yesterday. It was a sanctuary for those seeking knowledge, and sorting out books while two people talking endlessly beside you was very annoying.

 

“Hey, love birds,” Sehun called, just to make them shut up and blush. Jongin looked like he wanted to punch Sehun while Kyungsoo shuffled about and muttered a good morning.

 

“Today isn’t Wednesday, is it?” Sehun asked nonchalantly.

 

“Huh? No… It isn’t,” Jongin replied in a confused tone. Sehun nodded in understanding. “So you two are like, dating now? Right here?” he asked.

 

Jongin kicked him viciously in the ankle, and Sehun laughed a little bitterly. He hoped Jongin couldn’t catch it. “Fine. Whatever. I don’t care, just be happy somewhere else. Take the day off or something, Jongin. I’ll handle the library today.”

 

They both looked genuinely surprised at Sehun’s offer. _Why would they be?_ he thought, anger flaring up inside of him. He wanted his space, had stayed working at the library for a reason.  He didn’t want to see them laugh and cuddle and do all those things he and Luhan used to do. There was the entire of Brooklyn to do that.

 

“Go on, before I change my mind,” Sehun said in a light voice.

 

Kyungsoo lifted an eyebrow at Jongin uncertainly. “Are you sure, Sehun? I could come back in the afternoon if you like—” Jongin tried to say.

 

“No,” Sehun shook his head. If they were going to be stuck at the hip all day, Sehun would rather suffer through sorting books and deal with late return fees all by his lonesome in the library. “Just go on and have fun, Jongin. It’s kinda warm today, so you should probably enjoy it…”

 

Jongin began to put on his coat, though he kept insisting that he didn’t want to leave Sehun alone. “Sehun, are you sure you can handle the library alone? There was a lot of books from yesterday that we didn’t sort out yet—” Sehun gave him a look that said _shut up and walk out of the fucking door before I hit you._ Suitably mollified, Jongin reached for Kyungsoo’s hand and they walked out of the library, leaving Sehun behind the counter.

 

 _Good_ , he thought. After he’d finally broken the damn of memories that he’d been holding back two Wednesdays ago, Sehun had been having a hard time around any sort of romantic situations even if it didn’t even involve him.

 

He knew it was pathetic, yes, that he was so affected by things that he had no control of, but what else was he supposed to feel? He certainly didn’t feel _okay,_ not in any sense of the word. And it was approaching winter now, the first ever he was going to spend without Luhan ever since they’d been together.

 

Sehun liked to think that being sensitive at such a time should be forgiven, just this once. Next year, he’d be better.

 

At twelve, Sehun heard someone come in through the door. He tucked two romance novels into their place carefully, trying not to disturb the thin layer of dust that covered the shelf. Through the small gaps between the shelves and books, he can see a young boy (or man, he looked like he was around Kyungsoo’s height) standing at the counter. A little unexpected, since mostly old men or little boys under the age of twelve ever came to the library. This one looked no older than Sehun from behind.

 

“Hello? Anyone here?” the guy called out in a nervous voice.

 

Sehun froze at the sound of his voice, the intonation of his words, the nervous underlying waver.

 

His hands were on the trolley, but he couldn’t move, or maybe he didn’t want to (or both) because he _knew_ that voice. He could recognize it anywhere.

 

Stepping around the trolley, he made his way out of the shelves and turned towards the counter curiously, unable to believe it. There Luhan stood, wringing his gloves together in his hands nervously while looking around. He looked good, for someone who had walked out on his boyfriend of three years. His skin was still glowing, his hair was now jet black, and he still had that air about him, the kind that let others know that Luhan wasn’t someone who broke easily.

 

 _Of course he looks good_ , Sehun thought. It was far easier to walk out on a person than to be the one who had to pick up the pieces. 

 

When Luhan caught Sehun’s movement from the back of the library, he too froze the way Sehun did and stiffened. There was a pause before, “Sehun?”

 

Sehun nodded in acknowledgement, the power of speech seemingly beyond him. Why was Luhan here, after all this time, in the dank library Sehun worked at?

 

“I um. I came to see you, S-Sehun. Can we… talk?” Luhan asked.

 

 _All I ever wanted to do was talk to you,_ Sehun thought bitterly. That was what he’d been trying to do for an entire month after Luhan left him before he finally gave up when he saw a poster of a Mulan musical remake and spotted Luhan, posing as Ling off to the left of Mulan and Shang. That was supposed to be the full stop on their relationship, and yet here Luhan was, asking him if they could _talk_.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Sehun said after a beat.

 

-

 

They sat across one another at a table, steam wafting from the cheap coffee Sehun had bought them from the deli next door. Neither of them took a sip. Neither spoke. Sehun sighed in resignation, scratching the back of his neck.

 

“Did I interrupt you or something, Sehun?” Luhan suddenly asked, misreading Sehun’s sigh as one of irritation.

 

Sehun shook his head. “No. What did you… wanna talk about?” he mumbled. Was it the smaller trinkets he’d left behind in the apartment, like the key fob hanging from Sehun’s bunch of keys? Or was it his collection of scented candles in the dresser, the ones he only lit when he needed to unwind? Sehun never got around to getting them back to their rightful owner.

 

“I wanted to talk to— Well, you, of course. About…” Luhan trailed off. _About us_ , Sehun finished in his head. _Us and how it’s become you and me now._

 

“Okay.”

 

Luhan finally reached for his coffee and took a sip, blanching at its taste. Sehun gave an apologetic shrug; he never promised that the coffee would taste good.

 

“Okay… so um. I know it’s been almost a year since,” Luhan paused, “our… fight. And I haven’t been reaching out for a few reasons. Can I tell you why?” Luhan asked in an uncertain voice. Sehun shrugged again. There was nothing better to talk about anyway.

 

Luhan looked hurt at Sehun’s indifference, but spoke, “After I walked out on you, I uh. I spent the night at a hotel. Then I moved in with Yixing for a while, and it was… _okay_ ,” he nodded, as if to affirm the fact.

 

“I auditioned for a few shows here and there, got a few good parts too. Things picked up a nice pace and I was— not happy, but satisfied on the career part. I thought that if I could have my career then I could start being happy too, because that would mean showing you that I can make it if I wanted to. I didn’t want you, or anyone else for that matter, to think I was just throwing shots in the dark.”

 

Sehun felt like protesting against what Luhan had just said; even if he had been fed up of Luhan constantly auditioning left and right, it wasn’t the part about having a career that worried him. It was the part where Luhan left Sehun out of everything and began to form a path without Sehun. Luhan looked like he could sense what Sehun was about to say and held up a finger to show that he wasn’t done. Sehun sat back to allow him to continue.

 

“But after things picked up, I realized that,” Luhan paused, probably thinking of something to say that wasn’t cheesy, “I realized that… the pace soon became too steady for me. You know what I mean, Sehun?” No, he did not.

 

“You were always the one pushing me to do things I’d never done before and rocking the boat every once in a while. I never realized it when I was still with you, but I felt it when I left. I thought I was interesting enough on my own, but it was never all me. You brought everything out of me in tecni-colour, and without you I was just colour blind.”

 

Funny, because that was the way Sehun would’ve described the feeling of being away from Luhan. He never thought Luhan would feel the same.

 

“So what I’m saying is,” Luhan’s lower lip quivered, “I missed you, Sehun. And I know that’s not even for me to say, seeing as I was the one who left you and not the other way around, but I just felt like I had to stop by because I-I needed to know if you still feel the same way for me. Or if you’ve moved on. Either way, don’t spare me, Sehun, just…”

 

Sehun didn’t want to look up. He could tell that Luhan was crying, and God knew that Sehun was weak for Luhan’s tears. “I haven’t. Moved on, I mean,” he mumbled, turning away and staring up at the shelves lining the wall beside the table.

 

“Did Yixing tell you about our phone call?” Sehun asked, just to distract themselves from the main topic. Luhan sniffled, wiping at his eyes.

 

“Y-yeah. I’d been meaning to do this for a while but I wasn’t sure if you were even still here anymore or if you’d gone back to Korea…”

 

“I only go back during summer,” Sehun informed Luhan, though if he still remembered then he would already know that. Korea was home, but Sehun had grown up in America. His roots were here even though his true origin was thousands of miles away.

 

“I know,” Luhan chuckled. Sehun briefly smiled though it didn’t last.

 

They didn’t speak again. Luhan just sat there, staring at Sehun, while Sehun tried hard not to stare back. It was still somewhat painful to have Luhan here in close proximity, like looking up at the sun. When Luhan reached over to touch Sehun’s hand, he jerked away almost instinctively.

 

“I-I’m sorry,” Luhan apologized hastily. And it hung between them, irreversible even though Sehun was already cursing himself for it.

 

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry,” Sehun muttered, “I didn’t— I was being selfish last year. You wanted to be big, I should’ve let you do what you thought you needed to do—”

 

“No, Sehun, don’t say that,” Luhan said, horrified, “stop it, Sehun. It was my fault that we ended up this way and,” he looked panicked as he continued, “I just want us to go back to the way we used to be. Well, maybe not exactly, but better, in a way. I-I know who I am when I’m with you, Sehun, and I don’t wanna lose you again.”

 

Sehun knew sincerity when it came from Luhan, and he felt it right at that moment. He too, wanted to go back to the old way, before Luhan ever walked out on him and before they moved to Sunset Park Library in the first place. He just wanted to feel love and hope again.

 

Even though he knew things wouldn’t just go back into motion like pressing the play button on a remote control, Sehun could tell that Luhan wanted to patch things up with him, and that was all he needed.

 

He held out a hand to Luhan shyly, lifting his gaze to look up at Luhan. Tearfully, Luhan smiled Sehun’s favourite smile and took his hand. It was slightly cold from the weather, but that was alright.

 

They could get through this, and Sehun wasn’t going to give up on Luhan.

 

“You wanna tell me about all the plays you’ve been in already?” Sehun asked. Luhan squeezed his hand and laughed aloud, dabbing his tears away.

 

“Of course I will. I’ll tell you everything, Sehun,” Luhan smiled. Sehun wanted to hear it all, every last word of it. Luhan was an undeniable star, and Sehun was drawn into his starlight, just the way he always wanted it to be. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Okay, so this isn't my first time writing Hunhan but it is my first time posting any of the stories up lol. Also, my high quality hoe, Joy, made me write this for her and I really just wanted to try out this sort of AU anyway. And lastly, there's only a bit of swearing here, hence the rating. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I've never been to New York so please don't kill me if i somehow get the places wrong or if there's some errors in terms of geography T.T I've never been good at reading Google maps so I hope it all more or less makes sense! Or if not then please let me know so I can adjust it and see what I can do ahaha


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